Acrostic poem
Nobody to blame , for my deep wounds
After holding on to my secret path
Daring to walk through the thin line
And kick out the cowards who messed up my beautiful garden.
Nobody to blame , for my deep wounds
After holding on to my secret path
Daring to walk through the thin line
And kick out the cowards who messed up my beautiful garden.
HAIKU:
Hello September ,
I love your first rain
She is my daughter.
HEALING POEM
Hello mother ! It has been ten years now , since I have not seen you . Your roses are still shining, even though we changed their soil. Actually we took the risk ,after all you were always scared of any kind of change . But the beautiful jasmine was dead because she grew much bigger than the tight narrow place you chose to plant it in . .Although we saw it weathering, but we thought it will make it to live in the place where it was planted as a little tiny root . She needed to move to a better place in order to grow . We ignored it until found dead . Fearing change is fearing life and growth . Your absence brought up the unconvincing facts about sticking to the initial place . There was not enough encouragement neither successful stories of women moving around and exploring options not only About places but also about happiness and warmth . About self satisfaction and self acceptance. The fear of change stimulated the fear of being healthy and happy as well as the fear of unknown consequences. There is no life guarantee about being in a particular place for any creature on earth . A minimal calculated risk is a must in order to add some different flavor to the rhythm of nature . It could have been better if you were born in our days. Knowledge has become more of a great power challenging people to fight for their rights rather than a tool allowing others to control their inner voice . Thank you for holding on your pain . I was not certain about my comfort and peace , unless I had to review my journeys that have passed with you . I got to a point where i can isolate your pain and had the strength to hold in my hand , actually I mend it layer by layer . I caught it as an old piece of rugs, no one can see it except you . You have made it grown instead of replacing it with love and cheers to your fatigued self . It didn't matter anyway . Pleasing others is initiated internally and others will feel it for seconds . Afterward it will disappear to them and remains stick to you . No pleasure is gained by forcing love to be spread around us without granting it to ourselves. You were caught under influence of judgement and proofs. You obstinate yourself from joy even though you were a productive, hard worker woman who was able to make a totally independent life without the ugly , useless restraints imposed by illusionist , sick and opportunistic people around you , taking advantage of your divorce. You had no tool to fight except obedience and sacrifices. Hard luck to you mother . When now anyone can ask or request any kind of knowledge from google millions of pages are displayed about how to manage your life after divorce . Wish you were here now writing your posts on Facebook where everyone can see your beautiful mind and deliberate soul .
Love you mother
Dialogue
Me = ward
Therapist: mona
Ward :
I tried all what I can to keep the family together , to prevent my kids from being exposed to the ugly feeling of separation, of shaken ground under their soul and feet ,of being uprooted ? You know what I mean?
Mona :
Well , that is good for you , but , why you still angry and upset like you were the only one in charge of keeping the family together?
Ward :
He accused me of not being responsible.he provoked arguments and forced me to defend myself , and made me shout and cry .
Mona :
Of course that was very provocative, what is wrong with shouting and crying, sometimes we run out of control and should allow it .
Ward :
But , he made it an excuse to hide his excessive absence from home to the kids
I think I was intolerant.
Mona :
Why ? did you scream and shout without allowing any quiet conversation about what was going on ?
Ward :
Not at all , Whenever I tried to open a conversation or complaint about a situation, especially when he used to return home at five in the morning without any message or notice about his tardiness. He used to look at me with his mocking eyes that were full of lies and dishonesty.
Mona :
For how long you were in that situation?
Ward :
Almost five years .
Mona :
Well , I think it is the great thing that happened to you . He saved the rest of your life
By leaving the house . See you next week
LITTLE_Memoir
Can we Chase life ? My answer now is yes . I was born a fighter dreaming of victory . It happened that My mother was expecting me during the first civil war that has broken in Beirut . By the time I was born the war was reconciled between sects in Lebanon. But another war broke up six months after my first birthday and three months after my sister was born . It was the collapse of our little happy family. My dad was diagnosed with unknown mental illness that turned our life upside down and turn him into a different antagonist , violent and doubtful of every single action around him . Part of me the toddler has survived the happiest moments of my parents life . before My mother became the first divorced woman and my father was the first mentally ill person , whom his life was falling apart without being conscious .
Leaving the house she built with love and enthusiasm with my dad in their first year of marriage, and returning back heartbroken to her mother's house was a trauma that occupied my mother's emotional life until death . With little hope She looked sad and tight up even when she smiled. Although she had the burden of raising me and my sister , she had no justification or excuse for my father illness . Living in her dark shell mourning her dreams , ashamed by her divorce because of the stigma attached to divorced women as being a failure in maintaining their own husband and family life. She was only living to raise us . But the presence of my beloved grandmother made life smoother with less pain . My grandmother was widowed at early age , very traditional and a real fanatic, who believed in the power of destiny, she was the god of the house. Her presence as the first power in the house made my faith in women’s power . Hands in hands with my mother while my uncles upplied our cost of living from abroad . We had a complete gender based family setting where two female adults were raising two female kids . I can now imagine how special and rich our life could have become, without the stigma of divorce and mental illness and the presence of Adam.
Adam my mother's brother in law was in charge of my grandmother’s house. While my grandmother was living alone in her big house after the departure of her eight kids . The four women to their husbands houses and the four men traveled abroad . Adam filled all the empty places with his loud voice and his aggressive and abusive behavior .
‘Go to your room Adam is coming’ will shout my grandmother when hearing his cough and his noisy steps similar to those of a soldier going to war .
My sister and I will stand behind the door listening to what Adam is shouting about in my grandmother’s ears .
I told you she should abandon the two girls. Their father should be in charge for their living . Have you ever heard of a woman who is in full charge of her kids in the entire weeping willows trees village? Adam shouted .
My grandmother answered with a low voice: My son the doctor is taking full charges of their living . He is grateful of his sister’s help and support while he was a student and she use to travel with him around schools in the entire area .
Adam : that is the least she can do to support her brother. What are women there for ?
Grandmother: Hmmmm. With a deep breath.
Adam keeps shouting . I could have been in this house with my family instead of them staying with you .
Grandmother: you have your own house ,I pray for god to give you more wealth and health to you and your family .
Adam murmuring while leaving “goddamn the entire family of their father (my father)
They have no single man to take care of their daughters. “
My sister and I after he left we opened the door and run to jump and play with other kids in the backyard.
Across the backyard siege there was an alley where my mother and her women’s acquaintances exchanged their stories of physical pain , complaining about their tough life . I heard my mother complaining about the violence of Adam against us . She said he wouldn't hesitate killing us . Actually he does not speak to me as if I am his enemy .
One woman responded “ as a matter of fact we are all scared of him , we always avoid him “.
On my way back home from the backyard I stopped to pick an orange from the tree when I was suddenly faced by Adam asking me to drop that orange while saying “ it is not your father’s . Go away.”
Adam became our nightmare , all my grandmother’s trials to minimize his negative power on our life were faced by a new aggression by him . Only two days after the orange incident I was surprised by him standing in front of me while I was picking up some of the fallen fruits from the almond tree.
he shouted “ you have to bring that paper right now “.
My whole little body was shaking of fear , I fall down . While trying to get up he shouted “ lay down I am going to slaughter you with this knife if you don't bring that paper right now”.
I felt numb and dead under his tall body bending over my little face,with his outrageous eyes staring at me, I closed my eyes and passed out . I woke up when felt wet after peeing inside my pants .I dared to promise him to look for it and bring it the second day . I run to my mother who was standing over the fence with her friends hugging her as if my life was saved , and I was reborn again. Telling her about Adam’s Harassment made her angry and mad without having the power to confront Him since he did not even speak to her .
As much as I cherished my life with my grandmother as the head of our house I believed in her power rather than her authority. I always felt that her authority was based on avoiding people's criticism and prejudgment by living a conservative life , like closing our door and pray for god to protect us . It was not as strong as she meant to be , her strict enforcement appeared weak as if she herself was not sure that it was the right way . She use to leave the house for long hours shopping groceries , visiting relatives and friends, make special visits to elderly and sick people . While my mother as sad and depressed she appeared, she always Had her little escape to meet with her few women friends she felt comfortable with . She avoided other women whom she thought they undermined her for her divorce . While all our basic needs were abundant and exceeded our needs . I always had the feeling that everyone of us was seeking external care and attention while there was an obvious lack of love resources in order to feel secure and protected in our own home . I started doubting in my grand mother power because of her powerlessness against Adam’s brutality .
The traumatic wounds of divorce and separation from my father were the inevitable ones . They were built in deep inside , part of my emotional structure that I was cohabiting with . Sometimes they were the point of reference that allowed me to judge fairly people's actions and attitudes. I had special connections with people around me who were in a way or another undermined because they were orphans or poor or facing any kind of life’s challenges while coexisting with the privileged others . The others who live peacefully a normal standardized life only, because they existed as prototypes of what life should be . The typical family life , where fathers and mothers are present , healthy and sometimes wealthy , where it did not matter if they were in love , only by preserving the standard family status could protect their kids from the humiliation of prejudgment and sometimes from the harassment and assault that are easily practiced against unprotected kids .
Being unprotected my dreams were different . I revenged in my dream ,, the next morning I became the ambitious little woman going into her own life discovery. I had no trust except what my mind dictated.
In revenge to My nightmare Adam. All scenarios were crossing my mind during day time . My mind was always speculating how to defeat him ? I wish I could ever made him realize the pain and panic I suffered because of his aggressiveness and greediness.
He was using All his power to force me to drop an orange from my hand , so I would not eat it . He used all His imagination to create a fact in order to harass me , to provoke insecurity and fear .Actually it was an intentional attempt to kill my soul .
Holding the knife was his final bit to make a disabled mentally ill creature out of me.That big knife he held to threaten me became a stream of pictures surrounding my mind . A nightmare,that paralyzed my reception of any attempt to calm myself down ,to forget or forgive . This inner voice of me put my soul into compromise . Either I live scared and miserable or try to punish Adam for His invasion of my innocent little soul .
In my dream I could separate myself from the one Adam was trying to make.
I had a frequent dream where I was the mother of three sons . My sons took care of me and threw garbage and gravels on Adam . They humiliated him , they made him cry and scream and beg for forgiveness. That seeing always put me in a deep sleep .
